The NHL Closer is written by Greg Wyshynski, of The FanHouse and The Fourth Period. He is also the author of Glow Pucks And 10-Cent Beer.

Islanders goalie Rick DiPietro had two money quotes while mic'd up during the NHL All-Star Weekend skills competition. He informed his Eastern Conference teammates, and the virgin ears listening in on Versus, that he was done for the evening because "I just fucked my hip up again." But before that, he gave some priceless advice to Ilya Kovalchuk before the "trick shot" Breakaway Challenge: "If he could light the puck on fire, or himself, back-flip and then go top shelf, I think he'll win." While the spontaneous combustion of its best players might help, the NHL needs only to follow up on some promising innovations displayed at the All-Star Game to realize the heretofore impossible and make hockey more telegenic. Or, in layman's terms: If I see one more shootout without a helmet-less shooter and a cameraman skating behind him, I'm going to kick a damn puppy.

I know DiPietro's current career trajectory should have him in the Islanders' GM chair by 2023, but I'd give him a shot in the League's marketing department well before that. The kid gets it, or at least he gets what the NHL was trying to do in its headliner event in Saturday night's skills competition: The "slam dunk"-style Breakaway Challenge. DiPietro stayed in his crease and let the skaters do their hot-dog routines before trying to make...

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