FEB
04
You Don't Know The Power Of The Dark Side [Nba Closer]
Posted February 4th ago via Deadspin
The following is a portion of the full post
Images and full post at Deadspin

The NBA Closer is written by Matt McHale, who is in no way related to Kevin McHale and has taken the necessary legal steps to ensure that it stays that way. When he's not modeling Shaq's "Kazaam" underwear, he can be found studying the ancient art of the Jedi at Basketbawful. Enjoy!

ў Dark forces rising. The Lakers pulled off an unprecedented three-way trade on Friday, acquiring former All-Star Paul Gasol by sending a bucket of chum and an old PEZ dispenser to the Memphis Grizzlies and promising their immortal souls to Satan.

After the candles were extinguished and the goat's blood had dried, the Dark Lord expressed his fiendish delight with the fulfillment of this historic transaction. "Dr. Buss truly is a pleasure to work with. As are Misters Kupchak and Jackson. Of course, as you probably already know, Phil and I did some work together back in the 1990s. For instance...remember that Charles Smith no-call? That was me. Oh yes, that was me!"

Once the hissing and snickering had died down, the Bringer of Sorrow continued: "Sure, I'm happy about the souls - I was already getting Kobe's anyway - but what I'm really excited about are the perks. Unlimited smoothies at the Staples Center, a free subscription to Lakers Mag, a copy of the 2007-08 team picture signed by all the players, and I get to watch all Lakers home games from inside Jack Nicholson. Until I take Jackie home with me, of course. And if you've seen The Bucket List, you know that's going to happen soon. Very soon. MUWAHAHAHAHA!! Sorry, how terribly undignified of...BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!! Oh, that was bad form on my par...AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!! Okay. I'm done."

Kobe Bryant, who is thrilled out of his...

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