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Mr. T Pities Fools, Miami Heat [Nba Closer]
Posted February 5th ago via Deadspin
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The NBA Closer is written by Matt McHale, who is in no way related to Kevin McHale and has taken the necessary legal steps to ensure that it stays that way. When he's not admiring this Rik Smits wallpaper, he can be found country line dancing at Basketbawful. Enjoy!

¢ At least he's in Barkley's Fave Five now. You might be tempted to think that nobody in the sports world could possibly feel any worse right now than the New England Patriots and their fans. Well, here are two words that can totally prove you wrong: Dwyane Wade. Pookie's team suffered their largest defeat of the season - and that's really saying something - a 114-82 home loss to the Toronto Raptors. The Heat were strung up, stuffed with sorrow and beaten like a woeful piƱata. The mighty dinos, who shot almost 60 percent as a team, got 24 points from former National Honor Society Member Chris Bosh and 22 from the formerly deceased Andrea Bargnani. Dorrell Wright led the Heat with 17 points and 8 rebounds, while Wade had 12 points, 4 assists, and countless regrets. Mr. T, the internationally renowned pity expert, had this to say after the game: "I've pitied me a lot of fools over the years. But damn, I really pity these fools."

¢ Flush! What better way for New Yorkers to sober up after the Giants' improbable Super Bowl victory than to watch the lowly Knicks drop a home game to the equally lowly Clippers? The only thing harder to look at than the game was Chris Kaman, who returned after missing four games with a case of the butt-uglies. "They're a struggling team just like we are," said Kaman. "It's like a toilet bowl game or a dust bowl game. Two bottom teams fighting." So ... I guess that would make Los Angeles the soiled toilet paper and New York the large, steamy deuce? Anyway, the Clippers had seve...

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